Imagine if pets could text. What would they say? Would they send you a hundred texts a day? Would they use emojis correctly? Or would your dog accidentally order 50 pounds of treats off Amazon?
Let’s be honest—our pets would definitely have a lot to say. And most of it would be complaints. If you’ve ever felt like your furry (or feathery) friend is silently judging you, you’re probably right. Here’s what they’d text if they could.
1. Dogs: “Explain Yourself, Hooman”
Text: “WHY did you say ‘wanna go for a walk’ but then put on your own shoes and leave WITHOUT ME?!? Rude. Absolutely unacceptable. Expect emotional damage. 😤🐶”
What It Means: Dogs take everything literally, and broken promises (like jingling the leash and then leaving) are a betrayal of the highest order.
2. Dogs: “The Vacuum is a Weapon”
Text: “You brought out the vacuum again. I saw my whole life flash before my eyes. I thought we were family. 💀🐶”
What It Means: No matter how many times you tell them it won’t hurt them, dogs will always believe the vacuum is trying to assassinate them.
3. Dogs: “Where Did You Go?”
Text: “You left the house 10 minutes ago. I miss you. Are you ever coming back? I might not survive this. 😭🐶”
What It Means: Dogs have no concept of time. You could be gone for 30 seconds or 3 hours—it’s all the same heartbreak.
4. Cats: “Do Not Disturb”
Text: “WHY do you wake me up for ‘cuddles’ but scream when I wake you up at 3 AM for ‘zoomies’? The hypocrisy is astounding. 🐱”
What It Means: Cats operate on their own schedule, and your desire to love them must align with their pre-approved cuddle slots. Otherwise, you shall be ignored.
5. Cats: “My Bowl is Empty (It’s Not)”
Text: “Did you forget to feed me? My bowl is EMPTY. Starvation is imminent. Oh… wait. There’s still food. But it’s NOT FRESH. Fix this. 😾”
What It Means: Cats demand fresh food at all times, even if the bowl is full. Stale kibble is beneath them.
6. Cats: “The Box is Mine”
Text: “You bought me a $50 bed, but this Amazon box is clearly superior. Stop wasting money and give me the packing paper, too. 📦🐱”
What It Means: Cats will always prefer the packaging over the expensive item you bought them. Accept it.
7. Birds: “You Call This Enrichment?”
Text: “You got me a toy that looks like a Dollar Store reject and expect me to be entertained? I demand shinier things. Maybe your jewelry. Yes. The earrings you lost last week. 😈🦜”
What It Means: Birds have a taste for the finer things in life. If it’s not expensive or slightly dangerous, it’s not worth their time.
8. Fish: “Seen But Not Heard”
Text: “You forgot to feed me again. But you remembered to feed yourself. Twice. Unbelievable. 🐠💔”
What It Means: Just because fish are quiet doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings. They watch you eat snacks all day while waiting for their single sad pinch of flakes.
9. Rabbits: “Personal Space Violated”
Text: “I chew ONE wire, and suddenly I’m banned from the entire room? You chew food all the time and no one exiles you. Discrimination. 🐰😡”
What It Means: Rabbits don’t believe in “boundaries.” If it looks chewable, it’s fair game. Keep your charging cords safe.
10. Reptiles: “Cold-Hearted Neglect”
Text: “You got a dog, and suddenly I’m ‘low maintenance.’ Oh, sure. Just because I don’t bark doesn’t mean I don’t have needs. Warm me, hooman. 🔥🐍”
What It Means: Just because they don’t make noise doesn’t mean reptiles don’t want love (and heat lamps).
11. Hamsters: “The Audacity”
Text: “You laugh when I fall off my wheel. But when you trip on the stairs, it’s ‘a near-death experience.’ Make it make sense. 🐹🙄”
What It Means: Hamsters are small but mighty. They take their cardio seriously and expect respect.
12. Horses: “I Am Not a Taxi”
Text: “Oh, you want me to carry you again? That’s fine. Maybe I’ll just stop walking halfway and see how you like it. 🐴😏”
What It Means: Horses are powerful, intelligent, and sometimes petty. If you don’t bring enough treats, they WILL remember.
Final Thoughts
If pets could text, we’d probably be in trouble. We’d be spammed with passive-aggressive messages, demands for food, and complaints about our questionable life choices. But at the end of the day, they love us (or at least tolerate us for snacks), and we wouldn’t have it any other way.
EXTRA:
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