Think about this. You feel like you’re getting things done in the middle of a meeting with your phone on silent. Then you look down and see that you have 47 unread messages. Not from your boss. Not from your group chat. The message came from your dog.
Your life would be one long notification spiral if pets had texting phones. Your life would be filled with constant notifications. Emotional. Very loud. They often discuss topics such as food, unfairness, and mistakes made five minutes ago.
Would pets send many texts? Yes. Too much. We’re talking about three texts. Voice messages. FaceTimes that happen by accident. And at least one pet learnt how to order things online without anyone watching. Your dog wouldn’t want to buy 50 pounds of treats on Amazon, but fate would still happen.
And what about emojis? Emojis are often misused.
If our pets could text us, this is what they would say. This is a fair warning: after you read this, you’ll never see your pet the same way again.
1. Dogs: “The vacuum is a weapon.”
Text: “You used the Hoover again. I saw my whole life flash before my eyes. I had faith in you.
What it really means: Dogs think the Hoover is trying to hurt them. It’s very loud. It moves by itself. It eats bits of food. That’s how a bad person acts.
The Hoover will always be Public Enemy Number One, no matter how many times you tell them it’s okay. If you hoover every day for ten years, your dog will still act like it’s the first time you betrayed them.
What happens next: Your dog watches from behind the couch, shaking but brave, ready to protect the house if necessary against dust.
2. Dogs: “Explain Yourself, Hooman.”
Text: Dogs: “Tell me what you mean, human.”
You said, “Do you want to go for a walk?” I heard it. I could feel it. You put on your shoes and left without me after that. Your actions can’t be forgiven.
What it really means: What it really means is that dogs work on spoken agreements. The leash jingle makes it legally binding. It’s emotional fraud to say “walk” and not follow through.
Dogs don’t understand the concept of “later.”. They grasp the concept of “now” or “never.”.
What happens next: Next, your dog stares at the door like a Victorian child who has lost their spouse until you get back.
3. Dogs: “Where Did You Go?”
Text:
“It’s been 84 years. I don’t know if you’re alive. Please remember me.”
What it really means:
Time does not exist for dogs. Thirty seconds and three hours feel identical. Both are unacceptable.
Should I leave the room to grab a glass of water? Abandonment. Is it time to head to work? A tragedy for the ages.
What happens next:
You return to a dog who greets you like you survived war.
4. Cats: “Do Not Disturb.”
Text:
“The audacity of waking me at 3 a.m. for ‘zoomies’ but yelling when I sit on your face. Curious.”
What it really means:
Cats live on their own schedule, approved by no one. Affection is allowed only during pre-selected time slots that you are not informed about in advance.
Miss the window, and you’ll be punished with indifference.
What happens next:
Your cat ignores you for six hours, then demands affection while you’re busy.
5. Cats: “My Bowl is Empty (It’s Not).”
Text:
“My bowl is barren. I see my reflection. This is starvation.”
What it really means:
Cats believe food should be fresh, replaced often, and possibly rotated for variety. If they can see the bottom of the bowl, even slightly, that bowl has failed them.
What happens next:
They scream. You check. There is food. They scream again.
6. Cats: “The Box is Mine”.
Text:
“You bought me a $50 bed. I chose the box. Respect my decision.”
What it really means:
Cats prefer chaos. Boxes are warm, enclosed, and come with emotional security. Furthermore, they’re free.
Science backs the claims up, but honestly, cats don’t need science. They just need cardboard. This is why Cats Love Boxes.
What happens next:
You keep the box. You throw away the bed. The cat moves on to a grocery bag.
7. Birds: “You Call This Enrichment?”
Text:
“This toy lacks sparkle. I demand something shiny. Preferably dangerous.”
What it really means:
Birds have refined taste. If it doesn’t glitter, dangle, or resemble stolen jewelry, it’s boring.
They will absolutely remember where you keep your valuables.
What happens next:
Your bird screams until you remove your earrings.
8. Fish: “Seen But Not Heard.”
Text:
“You ate chips in front of me. Twice. I noticed.”
What it really means:
Fish are quiet, not emotionless. They watch everything. Especially food.
That tiny pinch of flakes? Insulting.
What happens next:
Your fish judges you silently from the tank.
9. Rabbits: “Personal Space Violated”
Text:
“I chew ONE wire, and suddenly I’m ‘restricted’. Hypocrisy.”
What it really means:
Rabbits believe chewing is a lifestyle, not a crime. Cables, furniture, walls. All fair game.
Boundaries mean nothing to them.
What happens next:
You rabbit-proof your house. They find the one wire you missed.
10. Reptiles: “Cold-Hearted Neglect.”
Text:
“Oh, you got a dog. Now I’m ‘low maintenance.’ Interesting.”
What it really means:
Reptiles may be quiet, but they still expect warmth, attention, and respect. Heat lamps are love.
What happens next:
You forgot to turn the lamp on once. You feel guilty forever.
11. Hamsters: “The Audacity.”
Text:
“You laugh when I fall off my wheel. But when YOU trip, it’s dramatic.”
What it really means:
Hamsters take fitness seriously. Their wheel is their identity.
Mockery will not be tolerated.
What happens next:
They run harder. Out of spite.
12. Horses: “I Am Not a Taxi.”
Text:
“You forgot snacks. I will now stop walking.”
What it really means:
Horses are strong, intelligent, and fully aware of their power. They remember everything. Especially treat-related offenses.
What happens next:
You negotiate with a thousand-pound animal who refuses to budge.
Final Thoughts
Our phones would be useless if pets could text. Full storage. The battery is dead. Notifications all the time.
Even though we think they have many problems, our pets stay with us. They forgave the missed walks, the late dinners, and the times the Hoover broke. They put up with our mess because we’re their people in some way.
Even when they are judging us. Especially at that time.
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FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions)
Q: Would pets really text all the time?
A: Of course. Dogs would send books. Cats would read your message but not reply.
Q: Would pets know how to use emojis?
A: No. Dogs would use their hearts too much. Cats wouldn’t use any. Birds would only use shiny ones.
Q: Which pet would order things online by mistake?
A: Dogs. Dogs, without a doubt, would order things online. With pride.
Q: Do pets judge us behind our backs?
A: Yes. With love. This is consistently true.
